Finishing three years! (20.05.16)

Here i am, sitting and typing this post. Its 1:42 am, 20th May. The last day of the 6th semester of my engineering. A customary post I guess but this time I actually have some stuff to say, rather than the usual talk about time passing by quickly and all that stuff.

I had the chance of bonding with a lot of people this semester. I made some true friends, found love and lost a few friends along this four month long semester. There are a lot of people that have entered my life and a few that have gone away. I cannot portray this as a profit, or a loss situation. Even if a thousand people come into your life, they cannot replace the one person that meant a lot to you. If you lose that person, the loss is grave and irreplaceable. However, such is life my friend. You have to leave some people along your path, and similarly, some leave you.

One more thing which I got this semester is love. I still don’t know if it is true love or not, I don’t even know what true love is, but all I can say is that I have found that one imperfect person who can make me perfectly happy. I know in my heart that she is the one. But as we all know, it’s seldom that simple. It is complicated in my case too. At times, it is way too complicated. But I am happy when I talk to her, and I am happy when I am with her. She means a lot to me and I do not wish to lose her.

I have given up on her before because it became too frustrating at times, I let her go once and I regret that decision. I am not letting her go. Not this time, at least till the time I know that I can have her. We are not for the long run because of cultural differences and we both know that, and it’s only a matter of one year that I graduate and leave this city. But until then I am not leaving her. Call me selfish but I want her. And if destiny permits, I want her till death do us part.

I was on a road trip day before yesterday, nothing major just a short commute with a friend. While sitting in the front seat, looking at the road, thinking, I realized that I have never been all up on anything in life. I have always given up because I was too scared to do it, experience it or afraid of it. I realized that I have had so many opportunities to do a lot of stuff in my life but I never did, because I never could muster enough courage to do them. The best thing that I realized, sitting in that car that day was that I didn’t do all those things because i was scared of them, no. I didn’t do all those things because I, unknowingly, was afraid of myself, of what I am capable of doing and I feel that we all are afraid of ourselves more than anything else. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

I think about her at times, I think why i like her, why do I love her, and I do not get a solid convincing answer, and I guess that is the answer. If you truly love someone then you do not have a reason to love them. You just have feelings which are hard to quantify or verbally explain. You cannot explain and make someone else understand it, and you should not expect anyone to understand it too, because the feeling is inside you and to you alone, and only you understand it, that to not entirely. Love is everything but sane is rarely among them.

For the first time I am not as happy as I used to be, on the thought of going home, that’s because I will not be able to see her, meet her for two months. So much has happened within the past one month, I am scared what will happen within these two months. Fingers crossed.

Moving on, I lost a very dear friend this semester. We grew apart. No one is to be blamed, we just grew apart. This is how life works. I read a quote which says, “If you are not losing friends you are not growing in life”. So I guess both of us grew in life. If you are reading this, I want to tell you that I don’t have any grudges, no complains, no ego, nothing. All I have for you is love bother. You can always look towards me, without me judging you and ask for help, ask for a shoulder in times of need.

Some really unexpected things too have happened. Things that I could have never imagined. These are some things that I cannot talk about here. Ill not pretend to be naive, I’ll just be straight forward and truthful to myself and tell you that, even though I shouldn’t have done them, it was good. It was something else. And yes, I will do them again.  If I get the chance.

This semester has been very good in terms of my professional growth. I successfully completed my 3D printer. For the common eye its finished but, being a geek, I will always find something to rip off and replace. So I would say it’s a work in progress.

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Cracks and their Voids!(09.05.16)

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Look at these cracks in the picture above. This is a picture of a old plank of wood at home, which had developed cracks with time. Beautiful. Looks as if it has a story to tell.

I just read a quote “You’re never wrong to do the right Thing.”  I agree. Totally. But now the question in my mind is ‘What is the right thing to do?’

I love her. She loves me. But is it not that simple. I guess it never is.  Now, she has a boyfriend who is making her to stay with him in a relationship by forcing her emotionally and he does not know that he is forcing her. I am sure he loves him too and all and therein lies the problem.

I want to do the right thing. The thing which is right for us all. I want her to be happy; I want myself to be happy. I want her and she wants me, but she cannot leave him, and I don’t want to leave her. It’s confusing I know, it sounds ridiculous and I sometimes feel like a whore. A Slut.

I do not know what is the right thing to do? Leave her, stay with her? Because unhappiness is there on both of these options. My mind has a very strong say, telling me that we must end it and that we must stop it. I tried. I told her two times and she told me once. All of the times, one of us asked the other one to come back, and we did. It’s hard, leaving her. It’s hard to let it go.

Actually, rethinking on that it’s not that hard to let go. Letting go is easy. You just put all your emotions aside, take a deep breath, muster some courage and ask her to leave, or you tell that you are leaving. Its moving on that is hard. I feel it’s not the physical traits that matter in a person. Physical appearance is over rated I feel. You can find a person with the same, or similar, nose, eye ears, lips, even a similar face. What makes people THEM is there thought process and their minds and those little idiosyncrasy. That’s what makes us all unique.

It’s the mind and the thought process of the person that you fall in love with, not the body. And it’s this mind with which you bond. The memories you make, the conversations you had, and the moments you have, the time that was same for you both when you were together, be it in each other’s arms or across that coffee table. It’s this time, these memories and moments that you miss the most about a person.

I am sure you have observed, a small sapling is planted in a soil and the ground is all solid, no space, but as the sapling grows, its roots expand and somehow, they make space. There is virtually no space existing in the soil at the time of the planting but still it grows, its roots are there all round and it binds the soil . If you cut a root, the plant still grows; it has other roots to support it. Eventually the discarded root decays and there is nothing but a void that remains in the soil. This void will remain, and only time can heal it.

People are like roots. People come into your life. You think that your life is pretty full and you have no space for new people, and that you cannot accommodate new people in your life. But still with time, they do get accommodated in your daily life and when we consciously thing and try to understand their presence and reach in your life, we get to know that it is deep. Very deep.

If you have to let go of these people, you will miss them, okay. You have other people to interact and life goes on. But, the void which will be created by losing a root in the tree of your life can never be filled. Letting go will produce cracks in you, and they will never be filled.

Sometimes letting go is the only option.

Sometimes, it feels wrong, doing the right thing.

Colours of life!(07.11.15)

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Well. What can i say. This picture is just splendid. I still don’t know how i clicked this one. I like the fact that i can see the common things around me in a different perspective, which most people fail to see. I like that i can think about things a little different than a common person.

Just look at the beauty the nature has to offer us. Breathtaking. On top is a withered leaf fallen from a tree’s branch into this small pool of water, at whose bed are some rocks, carelessly lying, forever. Just drenched. Static. This leaf, is not an ordinary withered collection of dead cells. NO. It is something else. What? I am not sure. It should be brown right? Or maybe black?! But instead it has a million colors. From green to dark green,to a darker green. Palish Yellow, Reddish. And a million hues in between which i cannot possibly describe. Its Amazing how all of this co-exists. Even after the leaf is dead, it retains it’s beauty.

Look keenly and you will find its veins. The paths through which, once, life flowed in and out. Now empty. They add to the beauty of the dead leaf, provide texture and realism. Look how beautifully it is curling from the sides. Looks like it is trying to wrap itself up in its own arms, as if it were feeling cold. The water surface curls along with the leaf at its boundaries. I don’t know why but looking at the boundary, it seems as if time ceases to exist there. It sometimes also feels like time seems to rush there. It sometimes feels endless, sometimes, too quick. See even closely and you will find a hole in it. Looks like it was shot down from the tree. And now water is trying to fill it.

This is how life is. Life can be compared to this dead leaf. Like has different colors, some good, some bad, some bright, some dark. Life has many memories, they are the veins and it is what keeps us going, It’s the memories that give life its LIFE and its they that remain forever. And then there is a hole, hole that tells us that there is always something that is missing from our life. It is all these flaws and mistakes and abnormalities in life that make it so damn beautiful. It cannot be a perfect  life. NO. NEVER. If it were a perfect one, it would be like a plastic leaf, flawless but LIFELESS. So in life’s sorrows, troubles and happiness lies true beauty.

I am this leaf. My life as it is, is lovely. Beautiful.